- You would like to re-establish contact, which has so far not worked.
- How to live peacefully regardless of whether she is in contact or not.
Neither is easy, and they are different, requiring different treatment.
Establishing contact
Do you think contact can or cannot be re-established at this time, now? This is important so that you neither give up if you think it can be done now, or equally that you do not waste your limited energy if it seems unachievable at the moment.
It is possible that your daughter may actually have no interest in your apology, important as it may have seemed to you? As we all do, she is probably reacting to feeling she was hurt in some way and would seem to have a negative image of you in her mind. The thought of seeing you may evoke negative expectations for her. She may feel frightened, feel she is protecting herself, or just be angry having given up on you.
Clearly I am just guessing. You know her, not me, but maybe some of this can help you in better assessing what is really going on in her mind. It is important to remember that you never know exactly what happens in another person’s mind. Even she does not fully know. It is very complex. However, To the extent you can discover where she is mentally, emotionally, you may be better equipped to help her come back.
In order to have a reasonable chance in this, the more you know your own feelings the better you see the situation. Can you sense your own anger, disappointment, guilt or other emotions in yourself. Ignorance of these, or of their intensity, clouds your judgement and reduces your chances of learning her current emotional language, the only tool available to you if you want contact.
How to live in peace with yourself regardless of where this relationship goes
It can be useful to appreciate that you do not and did not ever control your thoughts, feelings and behavior. They stem from your genetics, your childhood environment, your experiences in life and how your mind processes them. None of this is controlled by you. Understanding this eliminates guilt and regret. You will naturally treat it all as you treat the weather. It happens. That is all.
Equally, your daughter does not control her thoughts, feelings and behavior. They stem equally from her genetics, childhood environment, experiences in life and how her mind processes them. She does not control any of this. Understanding this eliminates your anger and disappointment with her, clearing your way.
In this state, in the absence of guilt and anger and recognizing that no-one caused this, peace of mind is more likely. You may find you begin to relate to all of this the same way you regard bad weather or a mountain avalanche. Great damage may have occurred, but there is nobody to blame. It is just a natural occurrence.
I wish you and your family well, even in these difficult circumstances,
Jonathan