Conflict can be a difficult sensation. Luckily, it is no more than a thought, a sensation, since there is in reality nothing to be in conflict. If two real things are in conflict, then one is absent.
Conflict is a mental structure, involving the creation of ideas such as opposing ideas, something to be won or lost, tension, anxiety and other thought patterns and feelings. It is one out of innumerable patterns that may be overlaid onto a situation. But what is really happening, independently of what you think? I invite you to look at your situation very carefully:
- You don’t want to use meditation as a crutch
- You want to care for yourself and bring peace to your heart
- You know that you can do a 20 day Vipassana retreat
- Your family responsibilities concern you
Taken separately, each of these may seem a desirable thing. Is there in fact a conflict between any of them?
The “conflict” you imply is a mental creation, expressed by your twice using the word “but”. Your mind is creating the idea that some of these activities are in conflict with others. But this is only an idea. What happens if you achieve all of these?
What happens if you use meditation as a way of connecting to reality, of observing the difference between what is and what you think. Then, in a more realistic manner, you care for yourself and bring peace to your heart. This way it is more likely you will be able to better judge, quietly, happily, with no trace of internal conflict, whether the good of your family (which of course includes your own good equally) is better served by doing or by not doing the retreat.
What happens if you look at the overall benefit? After all, a happy, more peaceful and fulfilled you is probably the greatest gift you can give to your family and yourself. So, where does the greater benefit seem to lie?
Is it possible there is neither a perfect solution nor a conflict – rather a careful weighing up of the pros and cons to arrive at the overall more beneficial solution. Neither going to the retreat nor not going is a perfect way, but nevertheless one way might be overall more beneficial. Not to you, not to your family, but overall.
This way you totally fulfill yourself.
What do you think? That is what really matters. Can you use this a just another spiritual exercise. Then, regardless of the result, benefit results.
I wish you and your family happiness, peace of the heart and absence of conflict.